From Lover to Sister: Unsent Letter from a solstice-activated lover (excerpted)

I want thoughts of my sister off my chest
and where they belong,  in to my breast,
And so I publish my resolution,
in the hopes of one…

For you ‘ukhti

[I’ve never shared something so honest… I changed her name to “Nadia”, the name of the neighbor who unsuccessfully tried teaching me how to say sister in Arabic]

I’m writing this at 3:30 in the morning (day 6 and almost final of this solstice experience?), but I am hitting send later for fear that it will wake you up once I send…

I still haven’t evaded the solstice effect, and definitely not the [Nadia] affect!, but this is definitely something worth losing sleep over if ever there was. and if you didn’t think I was crazy with yesterday’s voicemail, you will now definitely, but I’m trusting in our feelings that the world is crazy and feeling these feelings is the most human and alive thing we can do and be.

(skip to next section if you are getting lost in my wordiness!!) So I know I mentioned in my vm friend-zoning myself to keep from the desire to be your lover, but what a complicated word that is because I do have this infatuated love and want to be a [Nadia] lover and not just cage undeniable emotions. So the resolution of this tension came suddenly and powerfully after leaving my voicemail; I went with my heart on sending the vm, even though I was super nervous, and I am going with my heart on this too, but I feel super comfortable at ease because I’m speaking of something that already exists. So this is not an idea (though I was calling it that last night) and is not “artificial”, but a reality though it has only been realized in our living energy not as much our actual history of relationship. So here’s where you can do a wtf-lol and be spared any more of my preface:

YOU are my SISTER! My little sister, my REAL sister, my more mature little sister, perhaps the first of many (if the tribe grows?). I don’t care about that now, and if you are the one and only, I am feeling jubilant!! You are my little rock in a very tough place, able to ground me much better than my smokey quartz or rose quartz stones that I always misplace! Better than sage, sandalwood, frankincense or any other of the crazy shit that my reiki and accupuncture peoples would burn during my healing sessions. Water is You, Mni Wiconi, and we know how important that is and the re-realization being spread by the native americans for us to benefit!

I do have older females with whom I happen to share the same birth canal, and I love them as would happen, but am more dedicated to their wonderful children (my nieces/nephews), but it is only by convention I would call them sisters. What you and I are doing sister is not convention, its contravention! (just created that word and looked and it’s a real word that means what I need it to!)

[paragraph lost]

So if you are done feeling shocked with another mouthful like yesterday and flattered but also wtf-ed, and maybe I didn’t push you away yesterday with my craziness, but maybe this craziness will be more than your mouth can hold! And were you to never wish to speak to me again, it will not deny the way I will feel. Sista sista haha its fun to say that, brings a smile to my face when I do, feels so real I wish I could share it with you more. And this is where it gets really crazy, but I mean this very deeply:

I would give my life for you. I would push you out of the way of the tank so it would run me over instead. (Don’t you dare get in front of a tank either, little girl silly rock thrower!) Not that I will be following you around to guard you against tanks, haha like some creeper!!!lol, Crazy girl going and expecting me to be a personal body guard. but when danger befalls you, which it is befalling us all now and onwards, I am fighting to keep life safe, with you and your children and even your hubby… my bro in law?, hahahahaha, oh man. I don’t know if it works that way though with this, but he’s welcome in to the tribe in case you were worried…. hahaha Whether he’s in to tribal style I know not. Tribal music? I partook. So back on track-

Since you are a beekeeper, or were? (Bad joke sorry couldn’t help myself!!!!)[she had just lost a hive/colony 2 days before], I will put it in those terms sort-of-ish. I am a worker bee happy to give my life to the queen! Hahaha sorry if this is too over the top, but these feelings, oh these feelings, very powerful, I am reveling in them. Ecstacy is on me… I rave with glowsticks btw, not on e though, never needed that, DEFinitley don’t need that now. Creating curvaceous motion is very good for us, and it is the way of all growing things, the terrain and plants are never perfectly straight, unless a human’s been there to fuck it up-right.

[quasi-paragraph deleted]

So I got to meet a long lost sister as an early birthday present, and being one who loves the gift economy and idea of gift giving on my birthday, you got something too. I am your brother, whether or not you will choose to think of me as such 🙂

And, when will this fucking solstice come so I can return to sanity! Part of me doesn’t want to come down though, it’s been very special. It has been sublime and beautiful being insane and dragging you along for the ride. As tortured as I was before telling you yesterday, I wouldn’t change a thing!

-Charley, your one and only Karlos

this poem is part 1


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