Jokes for 2016

My 2016 joke list is longer than last year, but as we all know, longer isn’t necessarily better, especially for things that make you open your mouth and laugh. The quality control is that there are no racist jokes, though there are several that are anti-human. It will depend on your sense of humor, but in my estimation the corniest and most obtuse jokes will feel the most offensive. So in no particular order, here they are:

  • Why doesn’t the kangaroo want to play in the front yard?—He wants to be outback.

 

  • What do perjury, cursory, and anniversary, have in common?—Nursery rhymes.

 

  • Why are female bosses problematic?—They miss manage everything.

 

  • Why don’t the Irish mind when a count up to four skips the number three?—Because they love #DUBLIN’.

 

  • If you look at the ancient Greek words for in (es) and out (ex) and repeat them over and over, you know how we got our word for intercourse.

 

  • Your momma’s so cold, when she touches ice, she melts.

 

  • “Hey girl, being around you brings out all these sides of me, like my inner fisherman—you almost make me want to catch crabs.”

 

  • Besides his own character, who was Seinfield’s other outlet for his jokes?
    —The co-stanza.

 

  • What does a small dick say to a reluctant vagina?—“Don’t worry you won’t even know I’m here, I’ll be in and out.”

 

  • Escaping is good—going down the rabbit hole, one avoids the disease and waste ridden places. Going up a rabbit hole, however, is another matter.

 

  • What did the surgeon say when he peeled back the nomad’s skin layer?
    —“Organ-i-c”.

 

  • What do you call a thief (golddigging) woman?—A miss take.

 

  • Why isn’t Donald trump against a wall?—Because no firing squad would want to pay for giving out a million dollar wound.

 

  • Why don’t you eat a bullish heifer?—It’d be a miss steak.

 

  • Who is responsible for the cyclical nature of sickness?—Dr. ill.

 

  • Why doesn’t anyone talk to Bruce Jenner’s dick?
    —It cunt speak.

 

  • Where does a judge with double standards sentence most off-enders 2?—The pun-ishment ward.

 

  • What did the toilet say to the landfill?—You know what it feels like to have assholes dumping their shit on you.

 

  • How does a manic person so quickly get on top of the world?—Bi polar express. (or alternative answer “bi polar excess”)

 

  • How do you know a racist?
    —Go to one of their rallies.
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